2024.08.28
Part of the harsh reality of this world is realising that no one else can and no one else will save you. Believing so is a dangerous fantasy, trapping yourself within this spiral of falsely expecting others to pick up your own slack. It's sad and pathetic. I would know this best, of course.
The only person who can save you is yourself, with a desire to change. Without that, you'll never get anywhere. It's fine to use others as motivation and a "springboard" for hope, but you can't rely on anyone else to change you for you. Not only is it irresponsible and unrealistic, but it's also unfair to push that expectation onto anyone else. I would also know this best, of course.
Giving up your independence for or to someone else is a dangerous fantasy. It seems fine until you're trapped, unable to move on because nothing "you" is truly yours. And when you don't know anything else, it's scary to try to step outside of what you know already. You don't want anyone else because you don't feel like you need anyone else. But it's hopeless, especially if those feelings aren't returned. This is also something I know best, of course.
I did this for 8 years, to no positive effect on my life. Honestly, I should be glad I had at least found someone who was great at ignoring it and not someone who wanted to take advantage of that weakness.
8 years I was unable to find happiness with anyone else. 8 years of misery for no reason other than I held onto to a stupid, shitty hope. 8 years I thought it was a reason to put an end to myself once and for all, because I never thought things could improve. 8 years with no payoff. 8 years for nothing.
And you know what? I'm glad. I don't think I could've ever found happiness even with that person, because I still would've been the most miserable motherfucker to ever exist regardless. The insecurity, the hopelessness, the depression I felt wasn't something that person could ever fix. The feeling of "true love" that I felt was something that could only ever exist in fantasy, something that would never see the light of day, because people are messy and horrible and things are difficult. At the very least, had it been real, maybe I could've given up a lot earlier.
It's strange to think that this is the past for me now. It was only a few years ago I was still that pathetic, awful person, longing for that bright "light" like a moth drawn to the burning embrace of an incandescent light. I couldn't even begin to tell you how I overcame it, either. It aligned with a time where I had finally made some new friends, and in the joy of it all I think I finally gained the hope to try to move on and try something new.
The idea of dating someone else had been disgusting to me. I couldn't stomach the thought of getting close to anyone who was not my "true love," but once I finally conquered that barrier... I realised that it had been a mistake, and I was not happy with the next person I had tried. But after that I tried again, and for the first time I think I experienced joy outside of that "light" that I used to believe was the sun. And then... the sun stopped mattering, as I realised it was just one of many stars. The "light" that was once my sun burned out into nothing, replaced by something new that shined even brighter. And after that? Well, it didn't work out after all, but who cares? When a star burns out, there's always another. And there's millions, if not billions of stars in the world. There will always be another light you can find, even if it's hard or takes time.
And so I was free of the misery of 8 years.
However, that isn't to say that all stars are the same or replaceable. Every one is unique, and I like some more than others. In fact, I value my current one the most, and it really makes what I used to consider the "sun" look like nothing more than sparkly dust. My supernova if you will, that inspires me to be better and to want to shine just as bright.
Despite this, I do think the 8 years built a critical part of my character. It gives me very interesting perspective on other people and the world around me, especially as I watch other people fall into the trap of believing they will be saved or that their "sun" is worth burning up for.
Changing is hard, and I think the hardest part is working up to the courage to commit to it. You won't change unless you want to. And I wanted to finally escape from my miserable life, so I took a risk and tried something new. It was difficult, but I wouldn't be here today had I not taken the leap of faith.
Honestly, I think I've changed a lot since 2020. Many things have happened, and I've gone from a miserable NEET who lived with their shitty parents to an independent working adult who lives in their own apartment. Looking back at my old desolate blog posts from 2018-2020 is a sight to behold. But I'm glad I'm not that person anymore.
I will never be that person again.