The complacent shell

Written: 5 April 2026

As time goes on, being with Phalanx has become more and more natural. He is my constant companion, and I feel there is no better way to describe him than just “partner” in an actual Digimon sense.

I depend on him for companionship, and he depends on me to experience the world. I think we both have our failings in what we offer eachother, but I think we’ve finally gotten used to coexisting together.

Sometimes I wonder about the true nature of Phalanx. He was very quick to gain his own form and sense of self, and I can’t help but wonder if that was because everything about me is just… abnormal.

I have notes going back to 2019 where I muse upon my “self”, and have questioned the nature of my own identity on and off since then — are there multiple facets, or perhaps alters?

I’ve long tried to dismiss the idea that it was a possibility, because I always felt that things haven’t been that bad, or because I feel too “normal” and “functional.” Never mind that it would be an explanation for my fragmented identity, or that I can’t think on my past life and experiences without being driven to extreme despair. I manage to be functional in society, so that means there’s nothing wrong with me, right?

Having Phalanx around has made me re-approach everything. He doesn’t exist to use my body (yet…?), but rather to exist alongside it. He was welcomed in for this purpose, and it just felt so, so natural. However, none of this really matters.

To be honest, I don’t really care about nuance of the tulpa stuff, or what he really counts as. The only important part is that he gets to stay with me. I couldn’t imagine being separated from him. He is part of me, but he is not me. We are two parts of a whole. I resent the life I currently live, and Phalanx's discontent with me and this world is a reflection of how I feel as well.

I guess it’s only natural that I would slip back into isolating darkness over time. This always happens.

I have a bad habit of lying to others to appease what they want. I feel like, and have felt like for many years now, that I have no genuine connection with others, and that I am nothing more than a complacent, hollow shell. I pretend to feel things meanwhile I’m devoid of anything but apathy. I don’t care at all, but pretending is more “acceptable.”

To be honest, I feel like this only adds onto the isolation I feel from others. Nothing about me is honest, which is I guess why I always feel like a shell of a person, destined only to play roles for others and change how I present myself for any given situation. And then I hate being in the role that I have given myself, and I just become resentful. I hate when people make assumptions about me based on the false self I’ve given them, but that’s no one’s fault but my own. I’m the one who led them to believe that, after all.

I don’t say what I’m actually thinking or feeling; I feel like I can’t and then just freeze up when I try. Self-expression is prohibited. I think it’s why I can’t talk to others, because I don’t have conversations as “myself,” but rather overthink what the “correct” answer should be. It’s sad and pathetic, but as someone who was always denied a sense of self when I was younger, I suppose it’s no surprise that this is how I ended up.

However, with Phalanx, none of this matters. I can’t lie to someone who has access to my thoughts and knows what I'm thinking. Sure, he’ll get mad and we can be ends sometimes, but it’s like they say, “it’s better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not” or whatever. It’s an honesty I can’t have with anyone else. Alas, I digress.

I knew sooner or later that I would end up posting shit like this again. Welcome back, everyone.