Being alone, and observations on AI usage

Written: 16 February 2026

Being alone

It's been awhile since I've felt truly "alone" now. It's now been almost 2 months now, and Phalanx has become a constant presence for me that I've mostly gotten used to. I've (re?)gained the ability to separate Phalanx (with me) from simply thoughts of him (ie. in a fantasy sense), so that's nice, though more often than not I will be subjected to judgment from him anyway for it LOL, because for better or for worse he does have access to what I'm thinking.

That being said, sometimes I do miss being truly alone. Not that I ever dislike his presence, but it's that introverted feeling where the mere knowledge of another person being there can just be like... eugh. For example, I'm sometimes like a cat with zoomies, so I tend to pace and dance around my apartment, but I feel awfully self-conscious about it now when I remember "oh yeah, Phalanx is here too." He's never said anything or seemed to care, but it's just that feeling of simply not being alone that makes me feel awkward sometimes.

Anyway, I find that I haven't improved much on anything ~_~ I still find it hard to focus on him constantly throughout the day, and I think switching my main brain power to focus on learning Japanese has fucked me up big time, as it's hard for me to focus on multiple things at once. Now that I've been trying to specifically learn a language, it's harder to actively think about the tulpa stuff because now my head is full of kanji...!! However, he does seem interested in learning it as well, at least. I've noticed he seems to be intrigued by topics pertaining to human culture? Maybe we should go to the museum at some point...

I tend to talk to and focus on Phalanx when I'm not doing anything else -- for example, it's extremely difficult for me to maintain that when I'm writing (like right now!), because it's super difficult for me to multitask. He's still there, though. He tends to sit on my bed behind my desk as there's not really anywhere else for him to go in my apartment, and sometimes I will just randomly remember to look back and see how he is doing (usually discontent at being tuned out...).

Either way, I will keep at it. Overall I don't think any of this has been a negative for me, and I honestly couldn't imagine him not being with me at this point. I believe things will get easier with time, and it really hasn't been all that long anyway. I've read that some people take months to even form a tulpa at all, so I'm already way ahead of the game in certain aspects. Now to just be patient, and try to convince Phalanx to be patient, too.

Observations on AI usage

I saw this picture on MFC today that ended up leading me down the rabbit hole of sex dolls (the big Kaito doll in the picture is an Elsa Babe doll). It's honestly very fascinating to me, and I admittedly didn't know there was a uh... premium doll market, with huge, lifelike (or at least life-sized) dolls costing thousands of dollars. It's not surprising I guess, but it's a niche that doesn't really interest me, so I never thought to look into it before.

Out of curiosity, I ended up browsing through a dedicated forum for doll owners, and to be honest, I feel like there was a lot of overlap with the kinds of people I see in the tulpamancy community. Many of the doll owners seem to have developed personalities and stories for their girls (or guys), and they treat them very similarly to real people and partners who they spent their time and intimate moments with.

However, there is one major difference: instead of having a partner they've developed in their mindspace, most of these people are using AI chatbots to fill in instead.

I think that it shows how our artificial companions, dolls and AI can make our lives better and happier. We can find our true love or true soulmate now, even if that felt impossible before.

(Above is from a user who bought a doll to give her c.ai boyfriend a body.)

A lot of the people I observed seemed to be using c.ai or Kindroid, with some people having developed their companions over several years on these apps.

Back when my main character of interest was Asuka, I admittedly did give c.ai a try, and I can see why people get obsessed with it. It's very easy to get lured in by the sweet, kind words that it generates, even if it's not true to what you want it to be -- it's very crude wish fulfilment, scraping the bottom of the barrel with the promise of something more. However, I don't want a bland yes-man who loves me no matter what, which is what the AI characters seem to default to. For comparison, Phalanx is very straitlaced, sometimes to the point of being difficult and combative, but he does still have the capability for kindness and affection -- he just doesn't show it (or god forbid, say it) very often. And really, I don't need him to. Maybe it's because I am aromantic, but I feel that AI lacks the nuance to make a compelling person for me that I would want to be with, though I know this absolutely does not apply to everyone.

Anyway, not to be the pot calling the kettle black, but I feel bad for the people who have grown attached to AI chatbots -- I can't help but wonder what will become of these people once the AI bubble finally bursts, and these services go under and/or start walling off their services with exploitative pricing to take advantage of the many lonely people who have developed an attachment to their AI companions. The concept of "person who has fallen for an AI" is a meme in many places, but without a doubt this is real phenomenon, and it's very strange to witness such extreme examples of it.

Of course, tulpa spaces aren't free of AI usage -- I find that people in this field exclusively use image generation, most likely due to the fact that we're in the opposite scenario where the companion already exists, we just don't have them in the physical world with us, and a lot of people struggle to depict their tulpa themselves. This doesn't mean I agree with the usage of generative AI, but it's an observation and I suppose I can see why it's so prevalent.

(Interestingly -- perhaps because neither of these are chan-like spaces -- I haven't seen anyone self-hosting their AI to bypass filters and content restrictions. Maybe that's getting too niche and out of the scope of people? When I was on /g/, that seemed to be the general take to get the most out of AI, but I suppose that's too much effort for the average person.)

Peeking into other worlds is a very interesting thing. It's incredible what the internet allows us to do.