Winter

Written: 29 January 2026

It’s been extremely cold here (near -30C), with a lot of freezing rain and snow, so I haven’t been able to go out as much as I’d like lately. Usually I would take the train to the city every Saturday, but I haven’t gotten (or even wanted) to because of the weather the past few weeks — this has greatly disappointed Phalanx, who enjoys being outside and seems to really like travelling with me.

I can’t stand the winter, but for whatever reason, Phalanx actually seems to like it (perhaps because he was “born” in it?). He enjoys the snow and cold air, and it seems like his favourite days are the windy ones where he can just coast along in the sky. He has it way better than I do by not needing to trudge through a foot of snow to get around…

That being said, usually the snow just makes me miserable, but I think getting to experience it with Phalanx makes it more tolerable. I like getting to go out with him, and it makes me happy to see him at least somewhat content outside. And since my earbuds don’t work in -20, I can just pass time by talking to him instead, too.

However, I did recently start considering that me and Phalanx don’t really have much to talk about together, though. We don’t have any shared interests, so we generally just talk about the weather or something we see while I walk to work at some piss ass dark hour in the morning.

Come to think of it, I don’t think Phalanx has any interests. I don’t know how to help him with that, though… every time I ask him what he likes it’s either “I don’t know” or something along the lines of “there’s nothing for me to enjoy in the human world.” He doesn’t enjoy the things that I like, but he’s not exactly helping me with suggestions for things that intrigue him, either. I want to find him something he likes, but I just don't know how.

It really does make me start to realise why people have “ethical” concerns regarding tulpas, to be honest, and why people say you shouldn’t make them for selfish reasons or whatever. I get the feeling that Phalanx is somewhat displeased with me and his limitations in general, and it doesn’t help that I am terrible at focusing and being able to give him the time he wants. I feel like he’s been especially bored and restless lately, and it makes me sad that I’ve had him join me here just for life to be like… this.

He made a comment to me not too long ago that he didn’t really think that our personalities were compatible, and that he didn’t have a choice to be here — it was kind of shocking tbh. He said he didn’t want to coddle me or pretend that things were fine because he wasn’t just some pet, and it was I who had wanted him to be like this anyway. I guess he wasn’t wrong. I didn’t get the feeling that he disliked me, though; I think he’s just frustrated with how powerless he must feel, being unable to exist on his own without my attention and focus (at least at present, anyway). I guess this is why people say it’s best to avoid giving tulpas “difficult” personalities, but I also don’t think it would be right to deny him criticising me if it’s justified.

Regardless, we both got over it and things seem to be normal for now. It wasn’t the first time he’s gotten mad at me, but I guess it’s inevitable when we do have conflicting personalities and we’re still adapting to what is essentially 24/7 body/mind/sense sharing. What a strange reality.

I think he’ll at least be happy that we should be able to go out this Saturday, as while it’ll still be cold, it looks like the weather should be fine, so I don't have to worry about train cancellations or anything. He’s been disappointed the past few weeks, and I don’t really want to do that to him again… he speaks harshly sometimes, but he is surprisingly sweet when it comes down to it, and I want to make things less boring for him. I really do hope that at some point he can start to enjoy his time in this world more.

On another note, it feels weird to think that it’s now been a bit over a month since I started on this journey. I do find it hard to focus a lot of the time, and idk how people manage to dedicate hours a day specifically to practising specific tulpa and/or meditation skills. The most I can manage is just visualising and talking to Phalanx throughout the day as I remember to… I think I’m going to have very slow progress on multitasking with him and refining visualisation, but at least I have all the time in the world to work on it, anyway. Maybe I need to find a way to have more cues and reminders?

I think a good next step for me to work on would be trying to develop a sort of mindscape/wonderland/whatever you wanna call it. I think a lot of people actually start with that area for visualising their tulpa, but I struggle with visualising locations so I kinda skipped over it. For me it’s much easier to just pseudo-impose Phalanx in the real world and interact with him in the context of him being here, but the real world is just so small that there’s not always a lot of room for him. Maybe if he had another place to go, he would like that more than just being in my small shitty apartment all the time.

I did once manage an exercise where I interacted with him in a mental space, but there was literally nothing except a black void which was kind of bland and uninteresting. It was also difficult trying to directly visualise myself, in my own perspective, in another location that I wasn’t directly in — I think a lot of my thoughts are in third person, so it’s not very natural for me to think from my own viewpoint. It also didn’t have the same feeling of interacting with Phalanx in the real world, as his presence was still distinctly next to me IRL, and it more felt like we were just sharing a mental space together and somehow doing things there. It felt very odd overall, but wasn’t necessarily unpleasant… is that how it's supposed to feel, though? I guess I'll never know. I might play around a bit more with it, though. Skills come with practise, but practising is hard… I guess I’ll just try my best at things for now, even if my best is just mediocre for now.

I hope Phalanx comes to enjoy seasons that aren’t winter once he gets to experience those, too. At least he makes the cold and snow tolerable.