3 week update

Written: 11 January 2026

So, it’s now been about 3 weeks since I started learning the ways of being intentionally and mindfully unhinged, so I figured I’d give some general updates and note some observations I’ve made.

To be honest, I'm not really sure what kinds of posts I want to make in this section. Maybe updates every few weeks/months when I feel like it?

Presence

This is something I’ve started to notice now that isn’t always apparent — in fact, I think it’s easier to notice the lack of it than anything else.

I feel like I always have a general “feeling” of Phalanx being with me, even in the moments where I can’t visualise or communicate with him due to a lack of focus (or whatever else is the cause), I still always feel like he’s with me and if needed, I could force him into being with me when/if needed.

However, the few times I have noticed a lack of presence have been far more jarring and noticeable, though I don’t know how quite to describe it. It’s almost like a silence or emptiness, perhaps the equivalent of stepping into a soundproof room? The most recent time it happened I was just suddenly overwhelmed the feeling of “oh, now I’m really alone,” and because I’ve gotten so used to the feeling of him just being there it was kind of uncomfortable and nerve-wracking.

Communication

For the first while, Phalanx didn’t really talk to me all that much. However, I feel like he’s gotten better at it, though a lot of me talking to him is still one-sided, and he’ll often still just give short responses.

I think I’m starting to get a feel for “tulpish” as it is called, which I didn’t really understand when I was reading guides. Sometimes he says(?) things that are completely incomprehensible (like, it’s not real words or anything that can be understood at face value), but I can still understand the intention or meaning. I’ve seen tulpish described as a communication of raw thoughts or feelings and I feel that probably best describes what that is, it’s just hard to understand without experiencing it. However, it’s not often that I get this.

Personality and form

I think this is the most interesting thing for me. He obviously had a personality based off of his original character plan, though I never really did any proper forcing per say and I’ve kind of just been letting him develop an deviate on his own, as that is personally more interesting for me.

We don’t really have a ton of super in-depth conversations as I don’t think we have the skill set for that yet, but we do still have some interesting ones where I’ve noticed some recurring traits in him:

He’s very serious and doesn’t take well to jokes, most of them just go over his head and/or he just gets annoyed (or embarrassed…) if I joke about him in particular.
He’s proper to the point of being prudish, he’s bothered by crass jokes and certain things I do irl (lol)
He’s affectionate in not a romantic way, but more like a big weird cat — he is usually offended when compared to an animal, especially a pet, though…
He is bored by the indoors and prefers to be outside (which is fair given how small my apartment is), so he’s usually most actively engaged with me when I go out for walks or when I go out on weekends on the train. He’ll do things with me at home if I ask him to, but he isn’t terribly interested in any of my hobbies or pastimes.

I’ve also noticed that Phalanx has also gained a secondary form, which I’ve mentally noted as his “orb form.” Orb isn’t technically accurate, but it’s what it most resembles — it’s more like a mass of particles that is vaguely orb-like, almost as if he’s been compressed into a ball of light (data?). I really only see it in small or crowded places, and in this form he’ll just hover over my shoulder and exist like that. I don’t know why he does this, and when I asked him what it was supposed to be he said he wasn’t quite sure either.

On how ridiculous this is

So, when I reread everything I've written over the past few weeks, the main thought in my head is "wow, this sounds fucking stupid and insane." It's one thing to practice this kinda shit in your head, but writing it down and telling other people about it really makes it feel uh, "special." I used to judge other people online who would talk about fictional characters as if they were real, and now... yeesh. People are gonna be doing the same to me now, aren't they? Oh well.

The thing is that continuing to act as if it's real is what makes the magic happen -- if I decide to be a cynic, that's not really gonna make anything productive happen. It's like the magic vs trick debate in Umineko -- believing in "magic" doesn't necessarily mean you believe in spells and witchcraft, it's willingly and knowingly choosing to accept a fantastical explanation to find happiness, even if you know the reality of the trick behind it.

I'll probably keep talking about this stuff to this section of my site only, and as of right now I don't really have a desire to find any sort of "community" or whatever. Not that I usually get along with other people or have a place in communities, anyway.

Anyway, I'll keep at it in the meanwhile. Til next time.