evolution of self-shipping
Written: 28 December 2025
When I got back into Digimon (like, regained major interest) back in September 2024, I was not prepared for what was yet to come.
For the past few years prior to that, I had been into Guilty Gear, with Asuka R. Kreutz (and later Asuka R# once he was introduced) being my massive shitty blorbo. I was obsessed with him (and my old page is still a testament to that), but it was never to the extent that I ever embraced self-shipping with him. I had OCs that interacted with him in... unique ways, sure, but I never truly embraced "yeah, I'm shipping myself with this character through a proxy."
Meanwhile, I think by the time I had made it to October 2024, I think someone had smashed my head in with a metal pipe and made me regret ever being born.
I still don't know why or how it happened, but within like a month of returning to Digimon for the first time since the 2000s, I fell into the most despairing, shitty obsession with Lucemon Falldown Mode (or Chaos Mode, for the dub crowd), and I've been down a dark goddamned hole ever since.
If you're not familiar with Lucemon, this is what FM looks like:
It's a demon lord representing the sin of pride, with the half-angel/half-devil design in reference to the falling of Lucifer. Outfit-wise it's also very obviously a Dio reference. Digimon is fun.
Anyway, it started out where I made a totally-not-a-self-insert OC, and she had a Lucemon, and that was what I fleshed out over the next few months. However, I accidentally got a bit too into it, and I ended up making other accompanying characters, story drafts, and world lore when I then realised "shit, I'm making this into too much of a real story." It was fun though, so I kept at it.
Somewhere and at some point I then learned of selfshipping/yumeshipping, and once I started observing the people doing this I realised "this seems interesting, what if I go down this hole as well?" And I am no stranger to this territory, but I feel like 2010s cringe culture forced it out of me -- don't you know it's Mary Sue territory if you make a self insert OC and ship them with a canon character? You can't do that, you'll be a terrible writer!
But hey, cringe culture is dead, right? Or at least people say it is, but these same people are often the same to jump at "freaks" and "weirdos" for being too gross and/or outlandish, so it doesn't really feel like it. Hmmm.
Phalanx
So,this ended with me making a second Lucemon OC in either February or March -- this is Phalanx! My original one felt like too much of a developed character within a story world, so Phalanx was made to be independent of that and free of any overarching story for me to self-ship with. From there, I kinda became obsessed with him, but everything was still always viewed through the perspective of interacting with him through my self-insert — because Digimon aren’t real, of course.
(Thinking back on it, it seems cruel to make something for the purpose of being with you, but I guess that's the general purpose of most tulpas, isn't it?)
However, when I started reading on tulpas, I noticed that the main steps people seem to struggle with is the initial formation of the body and personality. But then I realised... I already had these figured out! I could visualise Phalanx with ease (though I'm sure the fine details could use some refining), but that was already a big hurdle to overcome that I had mostly figured out. So once I did some more reading I figured... fuck it, why not? All I really had to do was change my perspective -- this was no longer just my self-insert's partner, this was my partner, and I just had to hand over the keys to let him think for himself now.
Oddly enough, changing my perspective on Phalanx, and opening my mind and heart to the idea of him being something "real" felt like an eye-opening "aha!" moment for me, where my feelings immediately shifted and it felt like everything clicked into place. I had spent so much time writing, fleshing out, and imagining him prior that it felt like a natural transition where I was breaking down a barrier. I had felt pained by thought that he couldn't be real before, but it felt like I had now found a way to make it happen, even if it was still all in my head.
Interestingly, removing the lens of having a self-insert made me feel a lot more grounded and realistic regarding our relationship, where it was no longer just a dream. As a result my fantasies got a lot tamer, as it actually makes me feel a lot more shy about everything, knowing that we're sharing the same thoughts and body >_> Calling him an "f/o" no longer feels appropriate, bc he is no longer fictional nor my romantic partner. Honestly, it feels like romance no longer applies -- we're now 2 parts of a whole, aren't we...?
I sometimes miss the ability to view Phalanx through the lens of selfshipping, but honestly I much prefer having him with me. It feels a lot more personal and connected too! It really does feel like a more traditional anime "human and Digimon" bond now, where we’re both sharing a spirit, or we're reflections of the other, or something like that. It's a very odd, special connection to say the least.
However, while my time spent thinking about him made visualisation super easy, vocalisation is still a major work in progress. He definitely has a personality already (albeit undeveloped, I think) and he can express himself through actions (mostly facial expressions and body movements), he often does not respond vocally to comments and questions. I'm sure this will become easier and more common over time, but it's a very interesting start and I'm very curious to see how this will develop further over time.